Archive-name: firesign-theatre/faq/part1 Last-modified: 1994/8/30 Version: 2.0 Side 2) Firesign Theatre: Frequently Asked questions(3/3) ========================================================== 2.8) Who is Doctor Memory? From "I think we're all bozos on this bus"; a computer doctor running the Future Faire, who said things like: "SYSTAT UPTIME 9:01 unhappy READ MAKNAM" and "hmmm..." Dr. Memory is based on an early "Eliza" type psychiatrist program that ran on a PDP-10. The consensus of the alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre newsgroup experts is that this program was written in (((((Lisp))))), and compiled using the SAILON LISP compiler for the DECSystem10, running TOPS-10 operating system. Tim Rentsch noted that one of these systems was installed at Caltech, and that a former classmate of his demonstrated the program for the FT . There is much evidence that David Ossman attended Claremont McKenna College (then "Claremont Men's College") in his younger days, at which there was one of the first implementations of the Doctor. Tim Brengle writes of the implementation: "CMC is one of the Claremont Colleges, along with Harvey Mudd College, Scripps College for Women, Pomona College, and Pitzer College. Five schools taking up a total of about one square mile. The hot new shared computing resource was a PDP-10 model KA-10 (with 256K bytes of *CORE* memory, and a swapping drum) running Tops-10. This was the same type of machine upon which Weisenbaum created the original DOCTOR program, one of whose scripts was called "Eliza". The program, at least the version I hacked on, was written in Stanford LISP 1.6--which did have a pretty awesome compiler..." The evidence for these detailed descriptions of Dr. Memory are based on the contents of Dr. Memory's commands and error statements: For example, "SYSTAT" was a TOPS-10 command that gave the system status, and "UPTIME" showed how long the system had been running. In addition, the hero (P.) of the story identifies himself as "worker" whenever he wanted to access the internals of the computerized fair; ("This is Worker Speaking, Hello"). It is highly likely that David Ossman saw DOCTOR on the Claremont PDP-10. The way that one started the program was to activate the LISP environment and then execute the form: (worker hello) Up until executing that function, you had to enclose everything in () just as one would expect from LISP. But the WORKER function changed the syntax tables for the parser so that a double carriage-return delimited your statements and told the DOCTOR that it was time to reply. But, there was a bug in DOCTOR, forgetting to take into account that dots have special meaning in LISP. Putting one in the wrong place confused the LISP function MAKNAM ("make name") which was trying to assemble characters into tokens. It returned its error message to the top-level reading function (READ). It's error message was, of course, "READ: UNHAPPY MAKNAM". DOCTOR programs still abound---for example, the Emacs editor, which is written in LISP, has a doctor function built into the distribution. Here's a sample session (which sounds just about as strange as Firesign Theatre's Dr. Memory: I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time you are finished talking, type RET twice. > Hello, Dr. Memory. How do you do? What brings you to see me? > My name is Ken. Why do you say your name is ken? > Well, because it is. Can you elaborate on that? > My parents named me Ken. Tell me something about your family. > My father was a jelly doughnut. You seem to dwell on your family. > Hey, you asked. Is it because of your plans that you say hey I asked? .... Obviously, not a very bright program. So, how about THAT?!...Mr. Smarty-pants college professor? (razzz!). 2.9) Is it "Back T0 the Shadows" or "..FROM the Shadows" ? Dr. Memory says: Both (in this case); see the "Lyrics" section. Arguments regarding Firesign trivia(eg. is it "Mousers" or "Mausers"?) are often moot, as the shifting meanings and colorations of Firesign Theatricum blend and expand like the colors of the rainbow. To those who ask, "Did they actually say "X" or "Y", the appropriate answer is, "YES !", or, perhaps, "Mu." 2.10) FT Questions posed to the Usenet Oracle The Usenet Oracle has at varying times been confronted by questions that we all know and love over here in alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre. It it interesting to see how the all-ZOTing-one handles the questions. For more info on how to experience the Oracle, look in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle (archives of Q&A available in /pub/oracle at cs.indiana.edu)! 2.8.1) Put down that Pickle! --- 562-10 ---------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Put down that Pickle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sounds like you need some psychoanalysis. Since the oracle knows all } your problems anyway, let's do a little one-sided free association. } } Finals? Boredom? That last little niggling irritation that finally } put you over the edge? A life-long antipathy to brine and garlic? A } slow-festering wound caused by a spiny American cucumber? Pathological } fear of cured vegetables? Dread regarding phallic substitutes of a } threatening and, well, to be honest, humbling size? Passionate dislike } of green? Well-grounded fear of botulism or other spoilage? An ill- } remembered childhood memory of a green plush-toy monkey that went } berserk one night under your bed, that your parents *never* quite } believed, even as they soothed you back to sleep? A bad experience } with a green banana (or was it a plantain?), three tequila sunrises, } and a cheap hotel room in Tijuana? (or was it Nogales?). The } aftershocks of total sensory deprivation and/or hallucinogenic } experimentation some 25 years ago? A sudden sour taste in your mouth } as a result of guilt over some horrible deed you just committed? A } frightened reaction to storks that sound like Groucho Marx -- or is it } the strange resemblance of that last infant you saw to a crunchy vlasic } dill? The successful repression of heterosexual desire symbolized by } the Vlasic Stork (i.e. procreation) and its sublimation into sexual } hostility and fantasy and then the frightened reaction to these } returned fantasies? } } You owe the oracle a copy of Freud's "Jokes and their Relation to the } Unconscious" and a jar of half-sours, preferably spicy ones. ------------------------------ 2.8.2) Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! --- 529-09 ---------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Don't crush that dwarf! Hand me the pliers! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Goodman Feeblebrook, the 7th level Mage, removes the +5 Holy Pliers } of St. Christopher from the protective box with awe and reverence. } Wordlessly, he hands the artifact to Artemis Strongarm, the 9th level } Ranger. } "Hurry up!" shouts the Dwarf, Gimli Oakenleg, the party's 6th level } Fighter/Thief. His voice is muffled, due to the fact that his head is } currently being crushed between two rocks that are part of a } pressure-plate trap the Dwarf had been attempting to disarm. } "Okay," snaps Artemis. "I've never done this before, you know..." } "Just clamp those things over the release nut and turn it counter- } clockwise," the Dwarf returns. "And do it QUICKLY!" } "Right." Artemis clamps the pliers down on the nut and pushes on } the artifact with all of his 18(56) strength. Somewhere in the } distance, the sound of a plastic dodecahedron can be heard. With a } loud grunt, the Ranger successfully turns the screw through } one-and-a-half rotations. } "YOU DID IT!" exclaims Feeblebrook. "Boy Gimli, I'll bet you have } a headache the size of-- uh oh." Feeblebrook's premature celebration } is cut short by the sight that greets him when he turns to greet his } Dwarven companion. "Oh, YUCK! I guess we should have remembered that } clocks run the other way in the Dwarven Lands..." } Artemis grimly examines the remains of the Fighter/Thief, then } calmly turns to address the audience. "Is there a Cleric in the } house?" } } You owe the Oracle 500 gold pieces and a Ring of Water Breathing. 2.8.3) How do I make my voice do this? From Group #118 ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I make my voice do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... lets see... this is a tough one. } } Place your left hand against your throat, with your thumb } against your right jugular vein and your fingers up around } your left ear. Hold your nose between your right thumb and } middle finger. Put your index finger against your forehead } and your pinky finger between your front teeth. Purse your } lips. Bend over and place your head between your knees, or as } far down as you can reach (if you can reach, you are not doing } it right). Curl your upper lip as if you smelled something } bad. Anything you say in this position will come out like } this. } } You owe the oracle a self-portrait, in this position. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- 2.8.4) Why does the porridge bird lay his eggs in the air? No answers to this one have (yet) made it to the Oracularities. Many are called but few are chosen... 2.8.5) How can you be in two places at once (when you're not anywhere at all)? No answers to this one have (yet) made it to the Oracle archives; although we have the following related Q & A: --- 544-05 ----------------------------------------------------------- > Yeah, Mr. Oracle? This is Thom Dewey, from Dewey Stickem & Howe? > Yeah, yeah, that's us. Well, look, that dame? Her lawyer called > back,and he said that the blood test matched and they're going to make > a motion for a DNA sample. Yeah, I know, they can do that now. It's > pretty accurate, Mr. Oracle. I can fight the motion, but I don't know > if we'll win...are you SURE you were giving a speech in Missoula at the > time? The prosecution is going to try and pull that > omnipotent-beings-can-be-in-two-places-at-once stuff again, you know? > This is almost as bad as that little Southern number last year. I > know, I KNOW, I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sorry, Mr. Oracle. > Look, all she wants in child support; if we pay her off, it won't go to > court and Lisa will never know. Do you think we should cut a deal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thom, don't worry about it. I've looked into the matter, and, being an } omnipotent being, have rectified the situation. The DNA from me won't } match up. As a matter of fact, the only person whose DNA _will_ match } up is her lawyer. Funny how that works. Bring that up at the next } meeting. } } You owe the Oracle a judicial precedent for suing God, plus a way of } collecting damages. --- 544-09 ------------------------------------------------------------ > Yeah, Mr. Oracle? This is Thom Dewey, from Dewey Stickem & Howe? > Yeah, yeah, that's us. Well, look, that dame? Her lawyer called back, > and he said that the blood test matched and they're going to make a > motion for a DNA sample. Yeah, I know, they can do that now. It's > pretty accurate, Mr. Oracle. I can fight the motion, but I don't know > if we'll win...are you SURE you were giving a speech in Missoula at the > time? The prosecution is going to try and pull that > omnipotent-beings-can-be-in-two-places-at-once stuff again, you know? > This is almost as bad as that little Southern number last year. I > know, I KNOW, I shouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sorry, Mr. Oracle. > Look, all she wants in child support; if we pay her off, it won't go to > court and Lisa will never know. Do you think we should cut a deal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is a loving being, and it should be known to those who would } criticize my actions that, even though I am omnipotent, I have needs. } } The Oracle is a responsible being, for I know the wisdom of the } ancients says that responsibility for your actions is a part of being } great. } } The Oracle is also a generous being, and is, in fact, wealthy enough } to support numerous children without even noticing a difference in } his bank books. } } The Oracle, is, however, not to be challenged by any mere mortal. Have } my snipers drop her, and bring me the kid. } } You never got this letter, understand? } } The Oracle demands payment of one weeks' retainer fees. Now, go, and } carry forth my orders. 2.8.5a) How can I be in two places at once? Date: Wed, 01 Jun 94 07:52:53 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #652-09 Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, who is wise enough to be everywhere at once, > > How can I be in two places at once? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem of being in two places at once has plagued mankind since } the dawn of last Monday. Many people have wondered "Why am I here? } Why am I not there? Here is nice. Hmmm. There seems nice too. Let's } go see. Oh, gee, now I'm here, which was there, but I'm not there (and } there is where I'm not which was here before I was where I am). I } wonder if I can be here and there at once. Maybe if I run... pant, } pant, pant... :-P hey, I was just there and now I'm here again and } I've lost there again. This is tough!" (Well, maybe not *that* many } people have wondered this, but at least two have.) } } But now, finally, allow us to present: } } HOW TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE } =============================== } A brief guide by T. U. Oracle } } The Solomon method: Get a sharp sword. Cut yourself in half. Send } one half here and the other half here. Caveat: if cut } sideways, you'll have to make sure that the upper half } goes somewhere appropriate (say, a good dinner or movie) } and the lower half does likewise (an orgy would do fine). } If cut lengthwise, you may experience difficulties in } spatial perception. In both cases you only have 12 } seconds or so to enjoy yourself before blood loss gets } you. } } The Tachyon method: Become a subatomic particle. You can now be in } two places at once. Caveat: if you look at your watch to } find out the time, your wave function will collapse in } space and make quite a mess. } } The wise-cracker method: Wear a mask and concealing clothes, and then } you can be in one place and in cognito at the same time. } Caveat: nobody knows where cognito is, presumably it is } very near to communicado. } } The Deity method: Become the USENET Oracle, or some equivalent } deity. You will be everywhere at once. Caveat: you'll } have to answer lots of annoying questions. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as ky) Schroedinger's cat, dead or } alive.